Alexi’s Commentary
As many people know, the symptoms of certain mental illnesses start to really show themselves in the late teens to early twenties and I was definitely no exception. Now that I am in my late twenties I’d like to say that after a lot of therapy and with the right combination of mental health, I am doing significantly better than when I wrote this.
This piece didn’t originally have The Undiagnosed BPD Poem as as an alternative title, this was added years later looking back at the fact I was diagnosed with BPD years later.
If this piece is distressing to you in any way I’ll include links to immediate crisis support but please remember any crisis support service is intended for stabilisation and is not an alternative to a psychiatrist and regular therapy.
The Poem
CW: depression, self harm, suicide
Are you okay?
Yep.
Oi Lex, you alright
Sure am.
Are you okay Lexie?
Yeah, why do you ask.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Am I okay?
Why is everyone asking if I’m okay?
Why is everyone commenting that I look stressed?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Do I look like I’m not okay?
Do I look stressed?
Is this just a general greeting?
If it’s a greetings then why is it in the middle of a shift
Or a game or a walk
Or at all?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
are you okay?
Why is everyone asking?
Are you expecting me to just Open up and tell you how I feel like an egg, cracking under the pressure.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you expecting me to just share with you about how whenever I see a shard of glass it takes all my willpower to not grab it and cut through my skin as if it was paper just to ease the pain?
are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you expecting me to tell you about how I as a sensitive lactose intolerant with eczema will intentionally order a triple cheeseburger and not take my pills just to distract myself from the pain?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you expecting me to explain in detail about how any amount of physical pain would beat the pain
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you expecting me to open up about how I wouldn’t mind getting hit by another van just so I can go a couple days without having to deal with life’s shit!?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you expecting me to tell you how every moment that ticks by is another moment when I loathe my lonely existence?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you expecting me to tell you how I hear pathetic rumours or twisted truths about myself and just let it slide because I don’t want to deal with the confrontation of clearing my name?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you waiting for me to tell you how I’m constantly feeling so invalid and unloved.
That I constantly feel like I just don’t belong?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you waiting for me to tell you that every person I meet is just another person that’s going to abandon me?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you waiting to hear about all my broken dreams,
The person that in another universe I could have been?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you waiting for me to tell you I often feel like I’m better off dead? That I’m yet to find a way to cope with the dark feelings that don’t belong?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you waiting to tell me that I should get help?
How?
Are you waiting for me to spiel out on how hard it is just to pay to open up to a total stranger?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you waiting to tell me that everything will get better?
That there’s always light on the other side of the tunnel?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Maybe I need a hug,
Maybe I’m worn out,
Maybe I’m broken beyond repair.
But why would I tell you?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Why would I tell you that I’m anything but okay?
Why would I put myself in such a vulnerable position?
Am I okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
are you okay?
Why do you event want to know?
Is it to give you an edge on me?
So you can pretend to care?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Do you want me to be honest with you?
So you want me to just open up?
Fine then I will!
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
No I’m not okay!
I don’t even fucking know what okay is!
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are… You…. Okay???
If you need to talk right now, you don’t have to face this alone
Crisis Support
QLife (LGBT Only)
1800 184 527
Beyond Blue
1300 224 636
Lifeline
Call: 13 11 14
Text: 0477 131 114
13Yarn (Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islander only)
13 92 76
f you ever feel you might act on thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out straight away: call 000 or go to your nearest emergency department – they’re there to help, and getting support early can really save lives.
